The honeymoon is over and the clouds are rolling in. We knew it had to come to an end but the reality of the life we find ourselves in, is hard to take. We ended our summer holiday with four days next to the beach with no television, internet or telephone. We thought we were energized, refreshed and ready to go, but the coal face is a lot harder than we anticipated. I have been alongside The Rector@6 through 3 very, very long days and the contrast with the peace and silence we had experienced last week was vivid. So many voices, so many personal agendas, so much talking and being talked at. I hope that this really isn't the Kingdom of God because right now, I don't want to be part of it. I feel bruised and exhausted and I can't imagine how The Rector@6 feels. Right at this moment I want to go home......I will write more when things are more in perspective and I am less tired. I write so that I can reread this at a later date and know that things
did get better.
The problem of being the vicar's wife is that you feel no one comes as a genuine friend, they all eventually want to tell you where the church has gone wrong or how it could be better if it was done this way or that way. I suspect this is in the hope that I will pass it on. I am tired of talking about church.
Surrounding you with hugs and best wishes. What is the old saying ... its always darkest before the dawn. As aside ... isn't the vicar supposed to be the leader, not the one led?
ReplyDeleteJust what I need...thank you! The vicar seems to be a punch ball for previous regimented regimes I think!
ReplyDeletePoor Harriet, I feel for you. Being the clergy spouse can be very hard if you're involved in church life yourself, as you're seen as an obvious soft target in the struggle to gain the ear of the vicar. My DH was lucky as he has never been a church-goer, so all he did was answer the phone when I wasn't in and do his share of churchyard mowing. He just wasn't around to be buttonholed. I do hope this is just a bad patch which will pass.
ReplyDeleteChurch politics are horrific - I don't envy you! I hope that this is the 'darkest hour' and you start to see something of an improvement. Jx
ReplyDeleteI am married to a clergyman and to be honest I hate the church. Not God, or Jesus, no not at all. I just hate the sanctimonious two faced back stabbing bunch of hypocrites who think they can say what they like to me because I am married to "their" vicar. I have a career in the NHS and I see life on a daily basis as it really is. I see people devastated at the bedside of their loved one who is dying, the look on the face of a patient waiting for the doctor to tell them how ill they really are. That is real life, not arguing and moaning about someone moving a chair in their precious meeting room or singing their favourite hymn to a different tune or tutting and sighing because the vicar has dared to allow the Sunday morning service to go on a little longer than suits them. I try to support my husband and attend things with him but I have had terribly nasty comments made to me by so called Christians. The comments my husband has had aimed at him have not been much better either. These people seem to forget that "their" vicar is also a human being and not their property.
ReplyDeleteYou have my greatest sympathy. I also work in the NHS which is a tough occupation these days. I'm also a clergy spouse and find I'm just too exhausted for church politics when I get home, just not interested. I find everything to be over fussy and time wasting. So many meetings, planning this and that which can be so exhausting.
DeleteLooking for inspiration, found your blog. What I do value is your honesty! No one told me what is would be like to give up my dear little home and move into a goldfish bowl slap bang next to the church. I think people either think we're really odd or just enjoy knowing or thinking they know all about us. All I want is my own little home back. Whose stupid idea was it to build vicarages next to the church anyway? Not good for families or marriages. I'm a Vicars Wife GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
ReplyDeleteI really struggle with the back stabbing of the congregation and the spiteful comments made about us. we have been here for 9 months and Im beginning to wonder what I can do to get out of this situation. It really hurts. perhaps I should be more thick skinned. I had no preparation to be a vicars wife and was just thrown in at the deep end. I dont know how he does it and know hes struggling as much as I am.
ReplyDeleteI was looking for advice whether to go down this path.. My husband is about to go down this path. I work in church as an administrator i know what church politics are like but I ride this in my job as I can close the door and switch off to the privacy of my home. I had the potential vicars wife interview and the vicar was honest and told me that the vicar wife goes into public office too. I will have people moaning at me about my husband... I realise he will be out most of the time and the phone won't stop ringing at our house if he becomes a vicar... Already i feel like the church is trying to get its grip on me and I feel dread at the prospect of losing the sanctity and privacy of my family life. I only want to be a good mother and be at home doing my bit for God in my job which has a proper contract of employment. Some members of my church heavily judged and criticised the last minister and his lovely wife saying they were all out for themselves.. Which they were not. I don't want to be that vicar wife and have to deal with this kind of nastiness... I am so anxious i am on anxiety meds.. I feel my husband is taking us down a path and turning our lives upside down.. He will be disappointed if he has to give it up because of me so I feel stuck... He tries to persuade me it could be Gods will and am I disobeying him and shouldn't resist God trying to change me.. I feel sick if this is the church i want nothing to do with it.. I cannot respect my husband for trying to manipulate me in this way..I'm a Christian with a strong faith and know God would not try and change or manipulate me... I don't believe particularly in church and organised religion but enjoy my job cos I do help people who are in need and this is my service to God as I know I make a difference by offering a listening ear to troubled souls.. However I think the role of vicar wife the expectations from the congregation are much higher..I don't want to be an unpaid worker set on a pedestal by the church congregation. I just want a simple private life and to be a mum...is that unreasonable.. I also want a partner i can spend time with not a man who is married to the church which will always come first and then he will be sanctimonious and try and preach that God has to come first... I think he is selfish as I write this.
ReplyDeleteYou have my complete sympathy. I'm stuck in the same boat. All I wanted when I married was a normal family life - if there is such a thing . My vicar husband ' cant seem to understand how his life choice has run a truck through my dreams of a quiet unassuming family life wherever we live and in a home of shared choice . I want to feel separate from the church stranglehold on my private life.
ReplyDeleteI am secretly hoping my husband won't get through the fabricating process. Is this selfish? I think he will do though. I have had a horrendous week at work in church... This volunteer who is on my management group was rude condescending and totally arrogant. The meeting was awful and unprofessional. I'm a professional person but work part time as a church administrator.. Because it's church it doesn't feel like a proper employee and I have no one to complain to.. No HR no trade union and I have to consider his feelings and be put down... But I can leave the job and find another one. If my husband becomes a vicar I will be trapped if I come across such difficult people...I am dreading it. Today I confided because I was down about an ongoing difficulty with my relatives... This friend was really supportive but advised me that if I was the vicar wife is have to be careful what I mention because I will be up for public scrutiny... I really don't want that... I'm just normal like everyone else and don't have a perfect life...then part of of me thinks why should church folk try and define me..I am my own person and don't need to fulfil their expectations of perfection. Plus I won't welcome negative judgements for Just being human.. So I guess the answer is the same..I want to support my husband but do not in any shape or form want to have a vicar wife label
ReplyDeleteFabricating should read candidating process
ReplyDelete